My Christmas Season Is Wrong As I Had Expected
by ImaNukeYourFace
Summary: Merry Christmas, Hikigaya Hachiman! Something unexpected occurs when decorating the clubroom. Oneshot.
1. Chapter 1

Being observant. One of my 108 Special Loner skills, it's served me well to this day. Of course, the problem with being observant is that it must be countered by an equal-no, a greater-amount of rationalization. Otherwise, these observations could lead to mistaken assumptions and ultimately humiliation. Source: me. So I don't think that I became a such a balanced individual despite being unpopular. Rather, I attribute my success to my unpopularity. I learned from my experiences, and I grew wise to the ways of the world. In fact, you could put me up there with Sora and Shiro. When it comes to surviving the social jungle, the Blank never loses!

The one downside to being consistently apt at observation occurs when I encounter a situation I'm unprepared for. There do exist things I don't have in the vast database of Hikigaya Hachiman's Daily Loner Log. In fact, my log is so extensive it must've been a redwood before it was cut down. But wait, redwoods live in groups. Maybe it was a solitary redwood. Well, still, the best method to prevent damage from an unexpected source is to retreat. Nothing wagered, nothing lost. Being alone is great, after all. In fact, since my annual losses are zero, I must be the happiest person in the world.

But when you're normally so observant that you don't miss the smallest things, people place expectations upon you. You place expectations upon yourself. And, eventually, you can grow complacent. You can miss things. And when you unknowingly wander into one of the traps the world sets for you, those bars are pretty hard to slip through.

December. The month of freezing weather, annoying normalfags, freezing weather, more annoying normalfags, and freezing weather. Wait, aren't there only two important points about December? What a sad month. And this was supposed to be the season of joy or something. I wasn't feeling particularly joyful towards December-kun as I pedaled my bike through the biting wind towards school. Plus, all the stores have begun their Christmas advertising campaigns. And who were those directed to but normalfags. As I thought, all normalfags should just die in a hole. Or spend all your hard-earned money on useless seasonal decorations and then die of starvation, either way, Hachiman gets his vengeance. I didn't even have to worry about things like spending all my money because I didn't have a job. Plus Komachi would never let onii-chan die of starvation. As I thought, not working really is the best.

Engaged in worthless thoughts like these, I made my way toward the demon lord's castle, school. After putting my bike on the bike rack as usual, I ventured through the frozen and gloomy corridor towards my end goal: the burning fires of the classroom. Wow this really does sound like an RPG. Well, judging by the (lack of) attention I was getting, I was just a villager. As expected of my special ability, stealth Hikki. Once I arrived at the classroom, the burning torchlight resolved itself in the form of a puffing heater near the other side of the room. I activated another one of my special skills: pretend to sleep. Well, it's not like I had anything better to do. Actually, I was in danger of going from pretending to sleep to really sleeping...that heater was pretty nice…

"Hachiman!"

Oh no, I guess I didn't just fall asleep. I must've died. And now the angels were calling me to heaven.

"Hachiman!"

Wait, hang on a second. No way would they let me into heaven, I'd stick out like a sore thumb. The majority would vote me off the island. So if I wasn't going to heaven, that left one other option.

I opened my eyes and looked up at Totsuka.

"Morning, Hachiman!" An angelic smile eased my half opened eyes. No, don't do that, you'll put me back to sleep...darkness...Totsuka…I wonder what I could do to Totsuka in the dark… Control yourself, Hachiman. Only Ebina is allowed to have these kinds of thoughts. Even if it is Totsuka.

"Morning, Totsuka," I returned. "What's up?"

"Nothing much, but you looked kinda tired."

"Nah, it's this heater." Aha! To make me lose my guard this easily! I've found you, Maou-sama! Now to the boss level, Hikigaya versus The Heater.

"Yeah, it is pretty cold outside. Getting to be Christmas and all."

"Christmas, huh…" Well, only about 1% of all Japanese were actually Christian, but Christmas was still a pretty prevalent holiday. Plus all the corporations had a good excuse to entice the masses into buying more junk. Just because I agreed that Christmas was a big commercial racket didn't mean I was a mean-spirited loud mouthed girl. In fact, of all the Charlie Browns, I was probably the Charlie Brownest.

"You have any plans for Christmas, Hachiman?" Totsuka asked. My, my, Totsuka. Was this an invitation? I say yes! I do! Through sickness and health! Whatever!

"N-nah, not really."

"Hmm…" Surprisingly, Totsuka looked confused at my reply. Well really, it's not like I'd have anything to do. A societal requirement of all who partake in Christmas events is that they are normalfags with a social life. AKA, not me. In fact, I'm almost insulted, Totsuka. I thought you knew me better than this. I thought we were super-close! BFFs! In fact, you can get as close as you like!

"I thought…they would've..." Totsuka muttered to himself. But he was interrupted by a menacing aura that began emanating from the front of the room. A single woman stood at the front, glaring at the class. Heh. Single. Immediately I felt the pressure from the aura increase, as if Sensei had read my thoughts. Geez, woman! This ability may be useful for starting class, but it's why you can't get a boyfriend!

Classes passed in their normal fashion - mundane and uninteresting as usual. Also as usual, I stopped by the vending machine to get a sweet, sweet MAX coffee. Ah, this was one part of my daily routine I'd never get tired of. Daydreaming about the heavenly sweet flavor of MAX, I didn't notice until I popped the top that they'd introduced a new can design...and it was Christmas-themed. Et tu, Brutae? Oh, all the world conspired against me. Well, I guess they had to make money somehow. MAX did have customers other than me, after all. I'll forgive you this once.

But seriously, Christmas was an annoying season. I wasn't going to run around proclaiming "Bah humbug" to random Christmas shoppers, but the seeping, sodden feeling of artificial joy really irritated me. If the normalfags were gonna celebrate for no particular reason, then do it somewhere out of the way of the rest of us. The job of the loner is to blend into the background, but that gets harder when the background's all festive-colored. Loners stay hidden by being nondescript, unremarkable, and average. A loner's escape tactic is to remain neutral. These are the concepts that my special skill, Stealth Hikki, is based on, and the way that I avoid meaningless confrontations in everyday life. But when everyone is celebrating, and remaining neutral and unremarkable means sticking out, loners have a more difficult job ahead of them. And the reason loners stay out of the way anyway is so they don't ruin the mood. It's all out of consideration for others! So have some consideration for us too!

As I affirmed my conclusion to myself with a determined nod, I realized I had already arrived at the club room. Sliding the door open, I prepared myself for a peaceful afternoon of reading, MAX coffee, and Yukinoshita's customary afternoon tea. But what I found was rather surprising…although I suppose not entirely out of character.

Yuigahama had already arrived and, for some bizarre reason, was prancing about the room in a festive mood, singing to herself. She had in her hands a plastic bag full of mysterious green and red material. Yukinoshita sat in her seat, a large box on the table next to her. Although her face expressed disapproval at Yuigahama's antics, she seemed to be rather amused. The room itself, however, might have been the strangest part. Whatever I may or may not have assumed about the Service Club before, I had always taken for granted that it'd be a rather neutral place, with not much of a high-profile atmosphere. But looking around the room, it was now covered with red ribbons, small silver balls, streamers, and sprigs of a random green plant.

"Errr… What?" I asked, dumbfounded. Yukinoshita looked up, noticing my entrance, and opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Yuigahama.

"Oh, Hikki! Look! We're putting up Christmas decorations!"

"Surely that much is obvious, Hikigaya-kun," continued Yukinoshita.

"...I can see that. Why?"

"It seems Hiratsuka-sensei instructed us to decorate the clubroom for the holidays. It's beyond me why she would want us to do it, though," returned Yukinoshita. Seriously, Sensei? For a woman who would spend Christmas Eve eating ramen by herself in downtown Chiba, she sure had a lot of guts to force something like this on us.

"Well, I'm not one to voluntarily submit to doing unnecessary work," I replied. "Why do I have to do this?"

"Consider it a request for the Service Club," a new voice responded as the door banged open once more.

"...why would you force this on us, Sensei?"

"Hmph. I thought you might complain, so I came over to dispel any qualms of yours." Didn't answer my question. "Got it? Hikigaya-kun?" Sensei, you're gripping my shoulder rather hard. I'm afraid this might permanently damage it. Please stop.

"...okay, I got it."

"Great!" She smiled mischievously. "Make sure to put them all up. And while you're at it, why don't you learn something about them too?" Oh, Sensei. Stop lying to yourself and pretending that you're teaching us things. Just find something to do with yourself during the holiday season that isn't bullying your students. And whoever you're with, try not to bully them as well. Then they actually might meet with you more than once.

"Right, so, best to get this over with I suppose," I resignedly sighed. "Did you get that from Hiratsuka-sensei?" I asked Yukinoshita, pointing at the large box in front of her. She nodded.

"It's full of random Christmas decorations. Yuigahama's got some too."

"Hey Yukinon, look at these pretty silver ribbons!" Yuigahama suddenly spoke up. What are you, a dog? You bark when someone calls your name? "Look, I bet you could do up your hair with them!" She rushed over to behind Yukinoshita and began tying up her hair, against her feeble protests. I smirked slightly as I sat down in my usual chair and popped my can of MAX coffee.

"I'm pretty sure those are decorations for the room, not decorations for her hair."

"H-hey! We can use them on Yukinon's hair if we want to! Right, Yukinon?"

"...I don't particularly mind. And I'm rather opposed to Hikigaya-kun's narrow and shortsighted view that things can only be used for their intended purpose. If everyone followed that logic, then we'd have no sticky notes or chocolate chip cookies."

"I don't really get how chocolate chip cookies apply here, but it sounds yummy!" As expected of Yuigahama. Seriously. "And don't you think Yukinon looks good with these hair ribbons?"

"Twintails, eh." I tilted my head to the side. "Makes you look a lot younger. Like if you were in middle scho...yeah it looks great whatever fine," I finished hurriedly, feeling a large amount of killing intent present in the death glare Yukinoshita had directed at me.

"I think I'll take these out, Yuigahama. It seems I must spare the twisted remains of Hikigaya-kun's ego from annihilation. I don't think he could survive losing in test scores to someone who looks younger than him."

"What a selfish justification."

"That wasn't selfish, it was very generous. I'm taking Hikigaya-kun's low self-esteem and his fragile ego into account when making my decision. I'm doing this for your sake."

"But in the end, all selfless deeds are really caused by selfishness. People do things for others because it makes them feel better about themselves. It puts them in a position of relative superiority over the person they're being considerate of and it gives them a feeling of self-righteous satisfaction. The only true selflessness is consideration for someone more powerful than you, or higher in the social landscape, because no feelings of superiority can be derived from that. A loner's generosity is the only true generosity."

"Twisted and self-righteous argumentation as always, Hikigaya-kun."

"Same to you."

"It must be infectious. Perhaps we should quarantine you, Hikigerma-kun."

"I already have the consideration to do that myself. I am a loner after all."

"Heh. So you admit-"

"GUYS!" interrupted Yuigahama. "Shouldn't we finish putting up the decorations? Besides, watching you go back and forth like this is making my neck hurt."

"Fine. Let's get this over with." I sighed and got up from my chair, draining the rest of my MAX coffee in one gulp. Digging around in the mysterious large box from Hiratuka-sensei revealed a few strings of Christmas lights, some tinsel, and more sprigs of that random plant. Yugahama immediately spotted the tinsel.

"Ahaha! What is this stuff? It's so fluffy and sparkly and-ACHOO!" She sneezed as she wrapped her arms in the silvery rope.

"...well, I guess we'll leave the tinsel to Yuigahama then," Yukinoshita spoke with a half-smile on her face. That's a new expression, miss Ice Princess. But save the Yukinon x Yurigahama for later. "I guess I'll get these lights," she continued. So that left me with the random plant, huh. Well, whatever. At least it wasn't too hard to put up.

Soon enough, the light were shining around the corners of the clubroom, and the tinsel decorated the table and the door (and Yuigahama.) Discovering that the plant smelled not unpleasant, I concluded it must be some kind of holiday air freshener and proceeded to tape it across the ceiling above the table. As we sat back down, Yuigahama untangling the strings of tinsel from her blazer and hair, she spotted the plant I was holding.

"Ooh, are those berries, Hikki?" I looked at her in confusion.

"Oh, you mean this plant?" Upon closer inspection, the mysterious air freshener did in fact have clusters of white berries hidden amongst the leaves. "Yeah, I guess so."

"I wonder if they're edible…"

"Whoa there, Yuigahama. Just because something looks like food doesn't mean that it is food. Just take tomatoes, for example. People don't know if they're fruits or vegetables. Well that's because they're neither. And whoever the idiot was that declared them edible, I hope he died of food poisoning."

"Hikigaya-kun is, as per usual, mostly wrong. Tomatoes are scientifically and botanically considered the fruit of the tomato plant, and they are very much edible, having been eaten by native South American civilizations long before the European discovery of the New World."

"As expected of Yukipedia."

"Don't call me that. Anyway, there is a tiny grain of truth in what he's saying, however-"

"See, tomatoes ARE monstrosities."

"-stop interrupting me. But you really shouldn't try things off plants without knowing if it's edible or not first."

"Soooo…is it edible?" Yukinoshita squinted at the plant on the table in front of me. Furrowing her brows, she squirmed in her seat a little.

"I...don't actually know." Huh, so even the great Yukipedia had things it didn't know. "Hikigaya-kun…" a threatening voice warned. Oops, did I say that out loud?

"Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find out what this stuff is," I said, pulling out my cellphone. "That's why we have the wonders of the Internet." Oh mighty Google, I come for waffles!

"Indeed. Hikkimori-kun should obviously be familiar with the conveniently easy solution that is the Web."

"Hey, it's not like I'm an expert or anything… Stop complimenting me, it's too out of character."

"Only you would view that as a compliment."

"Hey guys, what should I search anyway…?"

"Just plug a description into a search engine and it should pull up an article on it or something," I replied offhandedly, already typing the query "green leaves white berries plant" into the search bar.

After a few moments of quiet searching where the only sound was the tapping of our phone keyboards, I finally found a picture of a plant that looked similar to ours. Following the link, I arrived at an online encyclopedia.

"Aha!" I exclaimed...at the exact same time as someone else. Surprised by the voice that had joined my own, I looked up and found myself gazing directly into a pair of cool blue eyes. Fumu, so Yukinoshita had discovered the answer at the same time as I. We glanced away awkwardly. Gah! Just a little eye contact and the voice in my head was starting to sound like Zaimokuza. Jeez, Hachiman, regression is not a suitable coping method in high school.

"A-anyway, it seems this mysterious little plant is mistletoe," I said, holding up the green sprig.

"That's right," continued Yukipedia, not to be outdone. "It seems mistletoe is a parasitic plant of the order Santalales. The berries are poisonous to humans, but not to birds and other animals. So unless you're secretly a bird, Yuigahama, I wouldn't eat that."

"O-oh, good thing I didn't eat it. Thanks for saving my life, Yukinon!" She sprang towards Yukinoshita and gave her a hug. Right, because I was going to let you eat it. The thanks I get…

"A-and you too, Hikki." Yuigahama said softly. Er-yes, that's right! I'm such a considerate person for saving your life! Praise me more!

"Er, well, don't worry about it. You lived, so.." I replied, looking away.

"But still!" Yuigahama suddenly became boisterous again. "Why would Sensei give us a poisonous plant as a Christmas decoration? That's, like, so mean! Right, Yukinon?"

"Perhaps she means it as vengeance upon us for being young when she's already her age and still single," I wryly commented.

"What!? Sensei wouldn't do something like kill us! Even if she is single!" Hey, you're being pretty mean there yourself, Yuigahama.

"No, I'm sure there's a logical explanation. Mistletoe probably has some relation to Christmas that we're not recognizing." Well, now that she mentioned it, that does sound familiar. I was about to pull my phone back out and continue searching, but seeing as how Yukinoshita was already on it, I decided not to bother, and pulled out my book instead and began absentmindedly reading.

A few taps later, she spoke up again. "Here it is. Mistletoe's relevance to Christmas dates back to the Druids, where it was said to bring good luck and ward off evil spirits. In Norse mythology, it was a sign of friendship and peace. In today's Christmas, there is a tradition that when a man and a woman are under the-" Yukinoshita suddenly stopped reading. Surprised, I looked up from my book. To my bafflement, her face had a stunned expression on it and was visibly changing color, from white to green to red.

"What's wrong, Yukinon?" Yuigahama asked. When she was met with no answer, she pulled her chair up next to Yukinoshita's and started silently reading her phone over her shoulder. And abruptly, her mouth dropped open in a surprised O as her face began to flush. What the hell has Yukinoshita got on her phone over there? From their reactions, you'd guess it was some kind of hardcore porn or something. I sighed as I pushed my chair back and got up to walk over.

"What the hell's got you two worked up?" I demanded as I stalked over to Yukinoshita's phone as well.

"W-wait, Hikki! Don't come over here!" Yuigahama was out of breath and her face was slowly turning redder. Don't make that face at me. Seriously, don't. You're disturbing my peace of body and mind. Meanwhile, Yukinoshita slowly turned her head away from me as if she was frozen solid. I swore I heard her joints cracking with frost as she swiveled her neck, but her ears were on fire beneath her raven-black hair.

"The hell. Lemme see that phone at least," I asked. I plucked it out of Yukinoshita's unfeeling fingers and finished reading the article to myself. "In today's Christmas, there is a tradition that when a man and a woman are under the mistletoe together, they share a kiss."

…

…

What.

The HELL.

All the implications of what I just read suddenly flooded in at once as one enormous data stream, causing lag on my mainframe.

Yuigahama snatched the phone back from my stunned hand with a red face and then turned away, as I stood stock still in shock.

Okay. Sort it out, Hachiman. This is one of those times to use your special loner skills: Logical Reasoning.

First: Hiratsuka-sensei had given us some holiday decorations, including an unknown plant.

Unsuspecting, we hung it about the clubroom.

We then learned the true identity of the plant-mistletoe-and its role in Christmas celebrations.

And now…

As one, all three of us frozen in that quiet clubroom slowly looked up at the ceiling. At the plant hanging right above our heads.

Crap.

 **Happy Holidays, Fanfiction community! A Christmas-themed oneshot, just in time for the holiday season. Think of it as a bit of a Christmas present from me xD. This is the first fanfiction I've ever written, so any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. I'll release the continuation on Christmas Day, so look forward to it. Stay warm.**


	2. Chapter 2

A wise man once said, "Words are the source of all misunderstandings." Oh wait, that was me. That wise man said something irrelevant about smoke and fools liking high places or something. But anyway, it seems I needed to revise that sentiment, because words weren't the source of the misunderstanding I was quagmired in right now.

What might that situation be? Well, it was one that a normal person would probably be jealous of. But I was no normalfag. No, I, Hikigaya Hachiman, eternal realist, pessimist, and self-proclaimed loner, was trapped under the mistletoe with the only two non-familial girls who acknowledged my existence enough to properly remember my name. For the last time, Miura and Co., it's not Hikitani!

But my proper name's not what's important right now. Right now...I need to get out of here. Out from under this poisonous, invasive, parasitic plant hanging from the ceiling. Tactical retreat! I quickly jumped two, three steps back, away from the mistletoe and the two girls sitting in shock at the table. Right...those two.

Yukinoshita's brain had apparently begun to short-circuit, judging by her flushed but erratically convulsing facial expressions, and her stiff posture made her look like she'd been electrocuted. Yuigahama hurriedly glanced away as soon as I looked over, but her ears just kept getting redder and redder. Dammit, why couldn't words be the only source of misunderstandings after all? Even I, the monster of logic that I was, could have started to misunderstand too, you know?

Well, first priority was to try to clear up those irritating annoyances. I cleared my throat. No reason to be nervous here, none at all. This was simply a slightly awkward situation. "You know, it is just a tradition. It's not a rule or a law or anything. Plus, that's more of a western thing, I think."

Abruptly, Yukinoshita's stiff shoulders stopped shaking and relaxed a bit as she looked up and out the window, still not facing me.

"...Indeed, I believe Hikigaya-kun may be correct for once in his short and miserable life, which I'm sure is a fairly strange experience for him, because it seems as though this rather outrageous custom is traditional of western cultures at Christmastime, which means that even though Japanese citizens have adopted Christmas as a popular and relatively widely celebrated occasion, they do not share the deeper aspects of the holiday, including certain customs, which means that it is utterly unnecessary to follow through here, and in reality it was ultimately only an optional suggestion, which we easily have the capability to deny, in fact-" But she was interrupted by a short giggle from the third person in the room.

"Ahahaha! Yukinon, that's enough already. Don't bash this poor little plant any more than you already have," Yuigahama laughed slightly. Yukinoshita looked away, her ears turning reddish in the light of the sunset.

"...I wasn't bashing it, I was explaining why its presence is irrelevant."

"Aww! Poor little mistletoe, she didn't mean it like that!" She stood on her chair and started pulling down the sprigs taped to the roof and then...giving them all a hug? Sigh. Never change, Yuigahama. Never change. Abruptly, she turned to me and gave me a look, her expression unreadable.

"What? I didn't insult the plants." Actually, that plant is a parasite that lives off of another plant without contributing anything back. Wait, that sounds suspiciously like my dream of a house-husband. I guess you're all right, little plant! And I never said I planned to become a productive member of society anyway. Society's the problem, not me. All those hypocritical, contradicting, halfhearted people all putting up facades to further their own ends.

"Hikki...you know…"

"Actually, these guys have the right idea. Living off a bigger plant, not having to produce their own energy, they're winning at life."

"Hikki, you idiot."

"Hey, don't look down on my strategy for navigating the evils of society."

"And just how will becoming a parasite help you navigate the evils of society, Hikigerma-kun?" interrupted Yukinoshita.

"Oi, oi, you're making it sound so bad. I'm just doing what I can in a society that crushes the low even lower. And besides, parasites and germs are completely different." You know, Yukinoshita, you don't have to take offense at literally everything I say. Seriously, name one time where she's actually agreed with me.

…

That...doesn't count.

"Hikki?" Huh? I looked up quickly. "Aren't you going to insult Yukinoshita back?" Er...what? What kind of question is that?

"He obviously acknowledges that my scientifically accurate rebuttal to his germs and parasites comment was superior to anything his science-feeble mind could come up with."

"Oh...I missed that part, actually." Distracted. What can I say? "Just goes to show you how little worth your sciencey rebuttals have."

"Just goes to show you how short your attention span is. Like a dog." She glanced at Yuigahama. "Well...not really a dog, but..."

"Hey! What was that look, Yukinon? Are you saying that I have a dog's attention span? So mean!"

Yukinoshita averted her eyes. "I never said that…"

"Yeah, but you probably thought it! You're so mean, Yukinon!" Wow, the range of Yuigahama's insults is really impressive. Apparently all she can do is call people mean.

"...you're right, that was a bit too harsh. I'm sorry, Yuigahama." Well, I suppose coming from cat-loving Yukinoshita, calling someone a dog is quite a serious insult. Wait, isn't there something more impressive here!? Like the fact that THAT Yukinoshita apologized? Apparently mystified by our stunned looks, Yukinoshita quirked an eyebrow. "What? Even I apologize when I've gone too far or am in the wrong." Hmm, she's surprisingly considerate...well, to Yuigahama at least. "It's just that I almost never find myself in the wrong, so I never have to apologize." I take back what I said, she's still really arrogant. Give me back my admiration already!

"Anyway, we should probably take down the rest of this joke of a Christmas decoration," I pointed out, standing up on a chair so I could reach. As I pulled the plants down, I wondered what the chances are that Sensei actually knew what this stuff was for. Probably pretty low, considering who she was...although she did have a mischievous side to her. But still, this seemed a bit too clever for Sensei to have come up with. More like, it wasn't really her style. Too calculated. Sensei liked solving things with brute force, and I can attest to that. So it probably wouldn't hurt to poke a little fun back at her…from a safe distance, of course. I pitched my idea to the other two.

"Hey, instead of discarding the mistletoe, we should give it back to Sensei." They looked at me suspiciously.

"Hikigaya-kun…"

"Hikki, what are you plotting…?"

I felt the corners of my mouth creeping up into a rotten smile. See, nobody would dare kiss this face. "Oh, nothing. I just though Hiratsuka-sensei might like an early Christmas gift." They looked at me warily. Then something seemed to strike Yuigahama.

"Hey, that's not fair!" What? How is it not fair to poke fun at a person who regularly punches you in the gut? I looked at Yuigahama in confusion. "Why does Hiratsuka-sensei get-" She stopped suddenly. "N-never mind. Just… Stupid Hikki." Hey! That's twice now that you've called me an idiot! I won't stand for this! Especially coming from Yuigahama. Even I have my pride, you know.

As Yukinoshita and Yuigahama packed the mistletoe back into the box we got it from, I pulled out a blank sheet of paper and a pen from my bag. Smirking rottenly as I bent over the table, I wrote a small note to Sensei, signed "the service club." I then quickly stuck it in the box, and we closed the lid. Finally, I wrote on the outside, "Merry Christmas from the service club!" and clicked my pen shut, satisfied.

"So, master plotter Hikigaya-kun, I suppose I'll deliver the parcel to Sensei when I return the key to the clubroom," Yukinoshita proposed as she and Yuigahama began noisily packing up to leave. I thought for a second, then shook my head.

"We don't want to be in the same building when she opens this. I'll deliver it to her house later." All sounds of packing bags ceased abruptly. "What? It's not going to explode or anything." Well, I think Sensei might though.

"Hikigaya-kun…"

"...you have her home address?"

...why does that matter? "Frustrated by the fact that I have more knowledge than you?" I countered. Well, I guess Yuigahama must be pretty used to it, actually. Yukinoshita looked at me with a strangely irritated expression. I guess I was right, huh. As usual.

"No, but it's rather creepy for a student to have the home address of their teacher, Hikkistalker-kun." Oh, come on, Yukinoshita, get on your game! That's the most pathetic insult I've heard since "idiot, nincompoop, Hachiman!" Actually, that time was pretty adorable since Komachi said it.

"Don't question my vengeance methods. I've had the rough outline of several plans in the works for a while now," I cackled evilly. Yuigahama backed away slowly and hid behind Yukinoshita.

"Yukinon, Hikki's kinda scary right now…"

"My only regret is that it would be far too dangerous to be close enough to see the expression on her face when she opens this."

"Hikki, what did you even put in there? Wasn't it just a short note saying Merry Christmas?"

"Oh, Yuigahama. You poor, innocent soul. I had to exact some revenge for this afternoon's fiasco." I stopped quickly. Crap, I shouldn't have brought it up. Now I was conscious of it. Trying to gloss it over, I continued, "...and for all those times she threatened me with her fists to make me do stuff. All those papers I wrote were well-reasoned and backed up with facts and logic, but she still made me rewrite them…"

"As if anything coming from you would be well-reasoned and logical, Hikigaya-kun."

"Oh, come on, Yukinoshita. You agreed with me earli-er, that is, well, never mind." Crap, I did it again! I looked away quickly, trying not to think about it. I'll have no misunderstandings anymore. I promised myself this back then, and it is what I will continue to live by today. To misunderstand is a choice one makes-I chose to not misunderstand. I never make assumptions, never jump to conclusions. And I'm never disappointed.

"A-anyway, let's get this box to Hiratsuka-sensei. Club over for today, miss president?" I looked over at Yukinoshita and found staring right at me. She awkwardly looked away, then hurriedly picked up her stuff and rushed out of the clubroom in a whirl. "...right, I guess so then…" I finished to myself. I turned to the remaining member of the service club still standing in that half-lit room. Her face glowed slightly red in the feeble light of the sunset through the window. "Time to go, I guess…?" I suggested to the still figure. Yuigahama nodded, but then, twisting her fingers together at her waist, she glanced down and breathed some quiet words.

"You know, Hikki… I… I wouldn't have m-minded…" She trailed off, fidgeting in silence. The wind whistled past outside, the gray December clouds filtering the light of the red winter sun as it streamed through the windows of that quiet clubroom. I shivered slightly as the cold began to seep into my still frame.

Abruptly, Yuigahama snapped her head back up and tried to give me a bright smile. "Come on, Hikki, you're gonna make Yukinon wait!" She grabbed her bag off of the chair behind me and hurried outside to Yukinoshita. I stood for a moment by myself in the middle of the room. This club, where we were supposed to help others move forward with their lives. Perhaps one day we'd move forward too.

...

Wishful thinking. "Supposed to move forward" didn't necessarily mean it would happen. Reality meant facades, fronts, stagnation, misdirection, and misunderstandings. I knew all of these things all too well, and I wouldn't fall for anything-or anyone-like that again. Just because it might be true, just because you hoped it to be true, just because it seemed to be true-in all likelihood, you were wrong. Happy endings to fairy tales were nothing but that-a fairy tale that never existed, a fantasy that reality would never allow. Meetings inevitably lead to partings. Life inevitably leads to death. Hoping inevitably leads to disappointment. That's why I would never be fooled again.

That's why I would always run away.

And I was a pretty damn good runner.

I grabbed my bag and walked out of the dark clubroom.

Epilogue

The package had shown up mysteriously on her doorstep on a Saturday afternoon. Shizuka Hiratsuka had gone out to answer the door for an old friend only to nearly trip flat on her face over the box on her front porch. After inviting her visitor inside, she picked up the battered cardboard box and brought it inside. It was surprisingly light for such a large box, and she wondered who it was from.

"Did you see who dropped this off?" she asked her guest as she popped open her third drink of the day.

"Nope, it was sitting there when I arrived. Good job almost tripping over it though."

"Hey, I bet you moved it there on purpose so that I'd trip over it. That's just the kind of person you are."

"Fufufu. I was expecting you to get this box back eventually. That's why I came today."

"Get this box back..?" Shizuka asked, confused. But then she made out the thin pen marks on the top of the box. _Merry Christmas from the Service Club._

"Oh, those cheeky kids." She ripped the box open and sure enough, they had returned all the mistletoe she'd sent them to decorate with. "Ahahaha! Looks like your plan failed, Haruno-san. Those kids are more stubborn than you give them credit for."

"Oh, Shizuka-chan, I wasn't really expecting them to just go for it. That would be boring."

"Well, they sure have some nerve to send it back to me as a Christmas present. Look, they even attached a note." She picked up the paper with the message scrawled across it in familiar handwriting.

 _Merry Christmas, Hiratsuka-sensei. I trust we find you in good health, as you looked just fine yesterday. We found that all three of us regrettably had certain allergies to this plant that you sent us to decorate with-coughing, sneezing, morally opposed, etc. Since you went to the trouble of procuring this, we figured we should at least send it back to you. Happy holidays._

 _Sincerely,_

 _The service club._

"Or so he says," Shizuka muttered. "That Hikigaya, I'd recognize his handwriting anywhere. Do you know why it's become burned into my skull? Because I've read at least twice as many papers from him as from the other students."

"That's because you keep making him redo them."

"If you read them as his teacher, you'd make him redo them too." Shizuka paused. "Actually, you probably wouldn't. In fact, I don't ever want to imagine you as that kid's teacher again. He's got enough hassle in his life."

"Sounds like you're pretty fond of him, eh, Shizuka-chan?" Haruno teased.

"I'm pretty fond of all of them, honestly. They tend to grow on you." She looked back at the letter. "Oh, there's a postscript."

P.S: Hiratsuka-sensei, you might want to try hanging these up around your neighborhood and going on walks. Maybe then you'll actually be able to meet somebody.

At the nearby Chiba weather station, the attendant on duty for monitoring the instruments woke up from his nap. Confused, he checked his watch. His shift wasn't over yet, and neither had his alarm gone off. Then he realized the beeping was coming from the seismograph in the corner. As he apprehensively approached the machine, the floor began to noticeably quiver, and then shake. Frightened, he ran to the machine and gazed at it. The tiny little needle was vibrating in larger and larger waves across the ticker paper like a terrified little mouse.

The earthquake that afternoon befuddled scientists. It seemed to defy all tectonic plate movement measures and predictions…but a magnitude 4.7 earthquake was no small deal.

The smoking remains of Hiratsuka-sensei's rage lay scattered across the floor of her foyer. Charred and torn slabs of cardboard lay spread across the ground, and the singed leaves of the mistletoe rustled as Haruno picked up the torn halves of the note from the floor. She chuckled slightly, "Oh, Hikigaya." He would have hell to pay when the presently dead drunk Shizuka Hiratsuka returned to school the next Monday, but that wasn't Haruno's problem.

"You may have been stubborn this time, but that just makes me want to play with you all the more." Haruno licked her lips slightly. "You're not very good at science, Hikigaya-kun. Newton's third law. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I'll play with you until you have no choice but to fight back."

And then she smiled. Not the fake, convenient smile that she showed everyone. Not the cold, disinterested smile she showed those she didn't find interesting. No, she smiled a genuine smile, one she never showed anyone, one with a fair amount of calculating playfulness, but also with more caring and affection than she would ever realize. "And when you fight back, surely you can move forward."

 **Hey again guys, ImaNuke here.**

 **I hope you liked the second half of my two-shot (It's like a oneshot but two parts).**

 **This was a bit harder to write than I realized, which is why it took me a couple days. I vaguely remember saying it'd be up by the 25th, so sorry for the delay. But hey, promises you can't keep are the best kind, right?**

 **Initially when I came up with this idea, a similar scene to this is what popped into my head, with Hachiman leaping back and being like 'lolnope.' But then I got fixated on this idea that there should be a happy ending, and I tried to write in a proper mistletoe kiss… Well, let's just say it didn't work. There were some characters in the story, but they weren't Hikigaya Hachiman and co. So I decided to go back to what would really happen, and I think it came out alright.**

 **Man, I never get tired of writing Hachiman sophistry.**

 **Thanks for reading, see you in my next fanfic.**


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